Moab

What You See Is What You Get

I planned on waiting until I got home to write this, but as I drove away from Moab, my own personal Mecca, I felt like something was still missing. I had told a friend that I planned to "rinse off" all of the ugliness from the last little while by taking a swim in the Colorado.

Between all of the Jeeping and barefoot strolls on the sandstone, I had plenty of time to think and clear my head, but didn't have a chance for a dip in the river.

So, I pulled off in Green River just a few minutes ago and drove into Green River State Park right at dusk. The nice guy at the booth didn't even make me pay. I drove down to the boat ramp and parked with my headlights on the dock, quickly stripped to my swimsuit (underwear for the day) and sprinted toward the edge. Sploosh! It is already down below 50 degrees with a pretty chilly breeze. The water wasn't anywhere near warm either. I stayed in long enough to brush the sand and grit from my skin. Drifted downstream about 30 yards, scared some geese, and paddled for the bank.

I found the shore when the fingers of my broken hand sunk into the mud. Damn. The cold and pain were both such an explosion but my eyes and grin were both wide when I came out of the water. I certainly won't call it a "baptism" or anything like that, but it was a great way to end this trip and I do feel so alive.

So, here I am in the parking lot of the Green River Senior Center writing this on my phone instead of waiting to do it at home.

What did I learn?

Wow. Where to begin...

I think first of all it was important for me to realize that throughout my life I have always tried to find a way to define myself. I was a Mormon, a drummer, an adrenaline junkie, a husband, and most recently... a Bionic Gigolo. (Long story and not one we need to get into right now.)

Well, being Jenny's husband was obviously the biggest defining factor of my life. It led to me also being able to define myself as a father.

There is folly in all of this. I get that now. I can only be me. I can only be Dan. As Dan I can choose the activities of my life, but I can't keep allowing this concept of "self" to be such a fluid one.

I also realize that I like the Dan I am quite a bit. I'm a little worse for wear these days but there are still a lot of good miles left in these tires. I've got a good heart that overwhelms me with emotion sometimes, but I think it also makes me a pretty good dad and friend to those I care about.

I do have a LOT to work on though. I need to be okay being alone in my own skin, and this weekend has made that a reality. I relished in the moments I could drift away from the group and bask on the sandstone like a lazy lizard.

I know I need to stop trying to "escape" any of this. There are better and healthier (albeit more difficult) ways to process things.

So, no more hard alcohol until my 29th birthday. I love a good tequila or whiskey, but recently they have caused a lot more problems than fun.

The broken hand... lesson learned. I don't want to be that guy. I hate feeling that much rage. I can't remember what 90's movie it was where the guy gets shot in the leg and his commanding officer says "Want me to give you something to take your mind off that leg?" Then he breaks the guy's finger. Anyway, there may have been some of that going on.

There were plenty of times it felt like the knife in my chest was being twisted deliberately, but I'm done thinking about all of that. I'm done trying to understand why things went the way they did or torturing myself with all of the "what if?" questions. I am done wishing for second chances. Time to just move on. Get all of the papers finished ASAP and get Jenny's name taken off my back. Haha. It makes me chuckle to realize I literally have to get her off my back. But, I am also glad to now be at a point where I'm not doing it in a moment of hurt or anger. It is just time.

Surprisingly, I also found out on this trip that there is some correlation between my relationship with Jenny and my relationship with "God" or whatever else might be out there.

1. I don't understand either of them
2. I don't want to have any hard feelings toward either of them
3. I don't want to have to rely on either of them or allow them to control my mind and emotions
4. I want to feel more gratitude toward them than anything else
5. I really REALLY don't understand either of them... but I'm okay with that. I don't need to. The existence of God and the way Jenny's mind works can both remain a mystery to me. I'm cool with that now.

I don't plan on setting foot back in a church or praying for help to find my keys. But, this trip has put me back in touch with something. Standing on top of a 1,000 foot cliff and watching the shadows of clouds as they pass the valley floor below. Running red sand through my fingers. Watching a bird hover in the wind. Noticing how fast I am already healing and how geniunely awesome it is that my body can create new skin out of cheeseburgers and thin air. All of those things make me HOPE that there is something bigger than me out there. Those things and so many others make me grateful for what I have.

During 2011 I have felt more intense pain than I ever thought possible, but I also have to keep things in perspective. So many people have dealt with so much worse. Just because it hurts more than I've ever known doesn't mean I'm not being a crybaby. It could be worse. I don't need to analyze why the only relationship I've ever had that lasted more than 3 weeks was a 7-year marriage. There is a LOT of things I'm done trying to analyze.

They joy my daughters have given me is infinitely greater than the pain their mother has caused. I should be grateful for that. I should be glad that I still have a job, no criminal record, no DUI charges, no STDs, etc.

Most of all I should be grateful that I still have such a wonderful relationship with my daughters and grateful that their mother encourages that. I should be happy to be alive. I don't want anything else taken away before I realize how much they mean to me.

I want calm and serenity. I don't want fights. I don't want the angst and confusion of unanswerable questions. I just want to work on being me. I have nothing to hide. I'm laying all of the bad out there with the good. No secrets. No skeletons. Really, what you see is what you get. If that makes me impossible to stay married to, so be it.

And, like Dave Matthews says, "If God don't like me he can send me to hell."

I need to make improvements and patch up some pretty big holes, but I can't try to define myself as anything other than Dan or feel like I have to keep apologizing to people for who I am.

Here I am. I'm grateful for all that I have. I'm far from perfect. Take it or leave it.

Oh yeah, and thank you for Moab... whoever/whatever you are.

Dan.

The Season of Fresh Starts

Last day of tax season and the fourth day of fresh air. 2011 has been full of surprises. The last week has been full of new beginnings. Plain and simple - I just feel good. Sometimes I miss my little girls more than I can stand but I am grateful for the support system they have and know that when all is said and done, both of their parents want the same thing - for them to be safe and happy.

I'm sure I have a long list of apologies to make after the last few months. Someday I'll have the energy and backbone to get to each of them individually, but for now let's just say that I hold no grudges and just want to let bygones be bygones. It's Spring. It's a new day. All we can do with the past is accept that it will remain firmly cemented behind us... as long as we keep facing forward, that is. Sometimes good people make uncharictaristically bad choices, I know that better than anyone. Fourtunately that doesn't make them bad people. I'm so grateful to have old friends back and to have made some new ones.

I want to be happy. I want the mother of my daughters to be happy. We both want the best for them. Despite anything else that happens/happened, that still puts us on the same "team" doesn't it? I mean, it has to.

I think [hope] the ride is over

Hurt, anger, confusion, fear... all of these powerful forces that can combine into a Molotov Cocktail of emotions. When that burning rag reaches the neck of the bottle, the explosion can drive people to do and say things they normally wouldn't dream of.

When you're riding an avalanche you know better than anyone that you're pointed downhill. All you can do is just fight for every inch in the hope that you'll still be able to dig yourself out once it's all over. Fingers crossed that it really is safe to start digging.

So, yeah, now what?

I have felt that writing tickle so many times during the last month but I haven't known where to go with it since my last post. So much has happened. So much I really DON'T want to talk about. I don't want to rehash old relationships or discuss new ones. I don't want to expunge my moments of pain onto paper.

I am really trying hard to remember the truce. I am trying hard to remember the rule about keeping your mouth shut unless you have something nice to say. My jaw aches from the effort it takes to keep my mouth shut.

Oh well. It is all just one side of the story. I have to just do my own thing and try to make the good days outnumber the bad ones. I have also made it a goal to only surround myself with people who genuinely care about my well-being. In the past few weeks I have looked for the easiest distraction. That attitude "worked" for a while but it isn't going to leave me in any better shape than before I started. I need to keep good people in my corner. The fact that they are also fun people is just a cool bonus!

Spending time with my daughters always puts everything back into perspective and instantly lines up all of the skipping gears in my life. It is like the moment I lay eyes on them... everything is okay. Everything is pure and good and the world is a kinder place.

I won't get into what happens when I have to take them "home" and their positive influence is removed. But if you can imagine how seeing them immediately brings things together for me, you can probably also imagine the awful racket and clattering those pieces make as they fall back to the floor when I have to watch them walk/drive away. Some days I can handle that better than others, but the drive away from them is always a cold and dark process. Seeing how much they change from one week to the next is also excruciating. Realizing how much I am missing out on - brutal.

But gratitude will always reign supreme as long as I keep my head above water. I get to have those beautiful little girls in my life. I still get to spend time with them. They still love me and miss me when I'm not around. Things could really be so much worse, and I have to remind myself that.

I am trying to focus on the things that get me out of my head - in a good way. Longboarding - playing guitar - listening to music - working on a book - talking with stable and intelligent friends. Unfortunately, there are also other means of escape that don't take nearly as much effort, but those lead to guilt, hangovers and the occasional broken hand.

Usually when I sit down to write I have a general idea of where I am headed. Even though that isn't the case today, I do want to be able to still use my blog.

"If you don't have anything nice to write, don't write anything at all."

That chasm is both wide and deep and the ledge surrounding it keeps getting more narrow and crumbly, but I think it is still walkable. I am trying. I did call a truce.

Remember the truce.