So, yeah, now what?

I have felt that writing tickle so many times during the last month but I haven't known where to go with it since my last post. So much has happened. So much I really DON'T want to talk about. I don't want to rehash old relationships or discuss new ones. I don't want to expunge my moments of pain onto paper.

I am really trying hard to remember the truce. I am trying hard to remember the rule about keeping your mouth shut unless you have something nice to say. My jaw aches from the effort it takes to keep my mouth shut.

Oh well. It is all just one side of the story. I have to just do my own thing and try to make the good days outnumber the bad ones. I have also made it a goal to only surround myself with people who genuinely care about my well-being. In the past few weeks I have looked for the easiest distraction. That attitude "worked" for a while but it isn't going to leave me in any better shape than before I started. I need to keep good people in my corner. The fact that they are also fun people is just a cool bonus!

Spending time with my daughters always puts everything back into perspective and instantly lines up all of the skipping gears in my life. It is like the moment I lay eyes on them... everything is okay. Everything is pure and good and the world is a kinder place.

I won't get into what happens when I have to take them "home" and their positive influence is removed. But if you can imagine how seeing them immediately brings things together for me, you can probably also imagine the awful racket and clattering those pieces make as they fall back to the floor when I have to watch them walk/drive away. Some days I can handle that better than others, but the drive away from them is always a cold and dark process. Seeing how much they change from one week to the next is also excruciating. Realizing how much I am missing out on - brutal.

But gratitude will always reign supreme as long as I keep my head above water. I get to have those beautiful little girls in my life. I still get to spend time with them. They still love me and miss me when I'm not around. Things could really be so much worse, and I have to remind myself that.

I am trying to focus on the things that get me out of my head - in a good way. Longboarding - playing guitar - listening to music - working on a book - talking with stable and intelligent friends. Unfortunately, there are also other means of escape that don't take nearly as much effort, but those lead to guilt, hangovers and the occasional broken hand.

Usually when I sit down to write I have a general idea of where I am headed. Even though that isn't the case today, I do want to be able to still use my blog.

"If you don't have anything nice to write, don't write anything at all."

That chasm is both wide and deep and the ledge surrounding it keeps getting more narrow and crumbly, but I think it is still walkable. I am trying. I did call a truce.

Remember the truce.