The "Douchebag Ex-Boyfriend" Prose - Letter of Apology

So, I wasn’t really sure how to tell you this, but I’ve been feeling like I owed you an apology. I was kind of a dick there at the end, you know, bad mouthing you and all. I made fun of you in front of your friends and even pointed out some of your flaws. That wasn’t cool. I shouldn’t have done that.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, we go way back. You’ll always be a part of my life. I guess I was just getting bored of the relationship. We’ve had good times and bad times, and I let myself focus on the bad. I’ll admit it, I still think about you sometimes.

I’ll be the first to say that you are absolutely smoking hot in the summer. I love it. Spring and Autumn are just fine, too. But you were always such a bitch in the winter; I couldn’t help but get a little distant. You put on that winter weight and get all frigid. I have to be honest, when you have that time of the year, I’m just not that attracted to you.

Like I said though, I shouldn’t have been trashing you in front of everyone. We really have had some great times, Utah. I loved getting up into your peaks whenever I could – and don’t even get me started about the times I went south! Good times. Good times.

I know we had that little falling out last year, when I started dating your roommate, Wyoming. But, Wyoming was a lot of fun, I won’t deny it. She was laid back and uncomplicated. I loved to just run my fingers through her air while we were driving - it smelled amazing. And don’t even get me started on her stars!

But, Wyoming was just a fling. You took me back and things were… well, they were okay I guess. I just don’t think we were ever the same after that.

And I talked a lot of shit, I shouldn’t have done that. But then, out of nowhere, this big steamy blonde walks in and I can’t take my eyes off her! You remember Texas, right? You used to be neighbors. Well, we had a great week together and she showed me an incredible time. I was love-struck. I got all wound up on barbeque and margaritas and before I knew it, she was asking me to move in. What was I supposed to say, Utah?! Huh? You tell me! The roughest year of our relationship and you decide to rain all June? Didn’t score yourself any big points there. Air quality warnings all winter?! I don’t mean to be a jerk, but if you aren’t letting me go outside I’m bound to start looking for it somewhere else. In the words of Stephen T. Colbert: “It’s a hungry dog that turns over the trash.”

Things are good here with Texas. You know, there’ve been some problems, normal new relationship stuff. She’s got this annoying habit of making simple things harder than they need to be. Hell, her roads make even your roads look good! But, between you and me, she’s been around a time or two! Some days I think she’ll let just anybody in.

One of my friends put up a blog post about their fall activities. And, well, there they were – your mountains in the background. You had on that sexy, flashy little fall number – you know the one. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t look twice! Never really did get tired of staring at those mountains. Truth be told, I actually feel a little disoriented without them.

Anyways, I’m not sure why I decided to write you. I guess I just feel a little guilty for being so hard on you. I was kind of an ass. I’m not saying I’m ready to get back together just now. I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you. We’ll talk again when you’re done with your winter cycle.