GLad it wasn’t mUTTON

You know how they always say Texas does things bigger? Well, it really is true. I just walked through the biggest hotel I’ve ever seen. You first enter the atrium after pushing your way through elephant-sized revolving doors. There are fountains, rivers, waterfalls and a massive man-made canyon running through the enormous courtyard. The 7 stories of hotel rooms surrounding the atrium give it the feel of an indoor football arena.

We made our way along the river to the Riverwalk Café, passing one koi pond after another. The area surrounding the café is designed to look like the famous river walk in San Antonio.

I’ve been to Vegas, Mesquite, Wendover, and Empire Buffet in Layton, Utah. I am no stranger to all-you-can eat.

The Riverwalk Café, however, offers king crab, jumbo shrimp, filet mignon, prime rib, salmon in red pepper sauce, New York strip steaks, raspberry cheesecake, fresh watermelon water, a fajita bar, and much, much more.

I was three plates in before I even considered slowing down. I’d been warned that the food was good and to go hungry – very hungry. I filled up my fourth plate with desert and took an apple for the road. It was incredible.

I ate blindly, like a goldfish whose toddler owner has an over-zealous feeding hand. As I left the building, I called Jenny to rant and rave about how delicious the food was. But, during our conversation I realized that my breathing was strained. My stomach pushed uncomfortably against my belt.

By the time I reached the car, I was reminded of the Brian Regan bit about hospitals: “I feel like everything on my inside wants to be on my outside.”

I pulled out of the parking lot and made it about three blocks before I had to turn into another parking lot – this one belonging to a closed hunting supply shop. I yanked the emergency brake as soon I was behind the building. I jumped out of the car and made to the bushes behind the dumpster before all of that food made its escape.

Every directional aspect of the event was backwards. Incoming ports became outgoing ports. I tasted the meal in reverse, beginning with that delicious chocolate cake and ending with appetizers. The cilantro hummus WAS delicious when it was on its way in. I enjoyed it less on its way out my nose.

The odor of vomit clings to the nostril walls. The gag reflex feels sensitive and your awareness of it is surprisingly high, like a tooth with a new filling. Oncoming burps threaten, the way farts do during a bout of the runs.

Do I feel miserable? Yes. Do I think it was worth it? Yes. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat.