Those Crazy Workmans...

Warning: This will be a long post.

Jenny and I have been emailing each other today. We have been trying to figure out why our sense of complacency only seems to last six months at a time. What I am going to include below is an email exchange we've had today. I am doing this because I am sure our family and friends have wondered why in the hell the Workman family keeps moving around (Utah to Wyoming back to Utah then to Texas then back to Utah and now to... Mexico? Panama? Australia?)

Yes, we have seriously considered it.

The question is... why?

Today we seriously asked ourselves this question, and I don't think I've ever seen an email exchange that more clearly displays the thought process of two individuals who are really trying hard to work together for the best possible outcome. I don't mean to say that we are exceptionally bright individuals; in fact our previous attempts and failures would attest to the contrary.

But, the truth is we really want to make sure we do whatever we can to get ourselves and our children into a situation of our design. That means trying desperately to leave behind the priorities of those around us and society as a whole and really gutting our lives down to the core of what is really important... to us.

Based on our long conversation last night (which should be adequately re-capped through the following emails), Jenny writes the following:

Jenny:

I love you! Sorry for all the restlessness.

Me:

Don't worry about the restlessness. I think Spencer made a good point last night about how much friends are a part of your life. In reality, so much of our lives have revolved around our group of friends, and that would be something nearly impossible to replace. I want to give you a home and I think that is something I'm working toward. I think we can forget about the caretaker jobs and things like that because they would feel as temporary as this situation. What I think we really need to discuss is whether or not we should be working toward buying (or building) a house. Maybe we should start looking at building lots out in Farr West or something like that. Maybe we should start considering our options for creating an actual home. Or, maybe we should forget this cruise and instead set a goal in mind for the next 5 years. If we really set our minds to it, only ate out like once a month, lived on a VERY strict budget, worked off rent at Josh's house and I plowed through overtime as much as possible, we could probably save up enough to buy a house with cash, or at least put 50% to 60% down and get a very cheap 15 year mortgage.

Maybe that is the way to go. If we are able to budget on that type of situation in a farming community like that, maybe I could be working as a manager of a feed store or doing some other job that let me work near the girls. More than anything it would be giving you a small home that you know is yours and you don't have to ever leave. Ogden will keep growing as they improve the image and I could probably find something there in the future, especially if I finish my degree.

There are options but we probably have to stop fantasizing about Mexico and Tennessee, because I think we both know those are only temporary solutions. Then again, it is hard not to when we both feel like life may be very temporary. Stupid 2012, making us feel like it is foolish to keep money in savings.

Jenny:

Sorry- I am really happy where we are. I don't want to pressure you to buy a house. I don't even know where i want to live so buying a house until we know for sure what we want is not an option. I feel like you feel like I am expecting you to provide this little impossible fantasy for me, but I'm not. I will be fine here for a long time. It all just comes back to not wasting our time. I know our relationships with our friends are very important. It is just hard sometimes to think about that over the other frustrations with Utah. It is important to remember that though. It's just so frustrating to be stuck in this cycle and to have tried a few different times to get out of it and to just keep coming back to it. I know it's my fault that we keep coming back. I am sorry I feel crazy sometimes...

Me:

It is nobody's "fault" that we came back and I am not upset about any of the decisions we made. I feel like coming home from Texas was a no brainer, and I feel like we got what we needed out Wyoming. I think we both are looking for simplicity and there are a few things we know we agree on:

1. We do NOT want to live in the suburbs
2. We do not care about image or luxury
3. We do not want to uproot our children more than we need to, we want to feel settled
4. We both know that our current situation is good, but cannot be permanent, which probably makes us feel restless
5. We both feel some pressure to find out where we CAN feel settled, but that hasn't happened because (like always) there are too many options
6. We both want to stay near our friends - staying near family and babysitters happens to be a bonus, but not a requirement
7. Neither of us want to make decisions based on other people's opinions or priorities
8. We both want to maximize our time together as a family, which we are not doing at the moment - so we feel like a change needs to take place

In reality, these conversations have probably been coming up just because this last week was so shitty. That is the truth. We haven't had hardly any time together and that has been rough. On the other hand, it makes me wonder how well we will handle the next couple of years of school. If this week was so hard on us, can we buckle down and do this for 200 weeks to get me my degree? I don't know.

Jenny:

I really love that list. It is perfect. Thanks for understanding how my brain works better than i do! I think all of those things are true. One thing, how important is getting a degree to us? Is it something that we really want? Is is worth the time put in. It has the potential to get you a job that involves writing, but is it more for that or for following what we're "supposed" to do. It has the potential of making us more money in the future. It will be hard to wait for the future, but I know we can do it if we think it is a priority and is important for US. Maybe we just need to have clearer goals in mind to get through the "getting there" part. It is hard to not look at our other options of how or where we could be living. The different options are endless. The friend thing is what keeps us here. I feel like that is all, and that is why it's hard not to look elsewhere. I need to come to terms that that is enough to keep us rooted here. But, is that a selfish decision because of how living here will affect our kids, or is it better for them if we are near our friends. I know it's important to them that we're happy. That makes a difference in how they are raised and how we interact with them. I can't straighten my brain out right now. Too much swirling around all at once. Maybe this is how you always feel Haha!

Me:

Yes, that is pretty close to how I always feel. There are so many factors and for some reason they always bring me back full circle to where I started.

Here is what I am thinking about the school thing:

1. I really HATE being away from you girls. I mean, I despise it. But, I know that right now I can't be a provider and spend all day with you, and being the former seems more important at this phase of life. The truth is; the girls need you around a LOT more than they need me. To survive and be comfortable they need the money I can provide. To be safe and secure and smart and loved, they need you. I have come to terms with that. It doesn't mean I don't want to be with you all of the time, but it seems like if there was ever a time I should be gritting my teeth and getting through school, it should be now. Technically, it should have been BEFORE we had kids but that is no longer an option.

2. So, my choices are: do I continue the course we have gone during the last couple of years and hope for a different result (which is the definition of insanity), or do I hope that we do have a future that carries over more than the next few years and buckle down to work for something better.

3. This is where it becomes an all or nothing thing: I can either plan for the end of the world in the near future (which means cashing out savings and trying as hard as I can to put us in a situation where we can enjoy each other for every minute of every day) or I hope for more time (when the girls are 10 and 8 or somewhere along there) when I have used both my current job's income and the education it can help provide to try to give us time together at (what I see as) a crucial juncture of our daughters' lives - when they are old enough to hold onto the memories for a lifetime, but young enough to still want to spend time with us (me).

4. This is where school comes in; yes it will take away from a lot of my time. Yes it will keep from home. Yes it will result in tears of sweet girls who miss their dad. But, with FAFSA and tuition reimbursement, it actually has the potential to improve BOTH our current situation and future situation, which seems like a pertinent motivator. If I decide to go through school, work overtime and continue to push myself, my body and my sanity to the limits, I will be royally disappointed and pissed if some massive earthquake wipes out civilization (or at least the Wasatch front) in a few years. I do NOT want to die with money in savings!! But, then again, if I have simply been led to believe in some doomsday myth that has always existed throughout the last 100 years with just different names (second coming, cold war, bay of pigs, Obama administration) then getting through school while my children are still young enough to perhaps not remember is probably the most responsible thing because....

5. Who knows, by the time the next 5 years blow over, maybe we'll all be telecommuting to work. Maybe I will still be working for Fidelity, keeping my benefits and retirement plan, working from a home office doing emails or even chatting online with someone in Bangladesh who needs to restructure their IRA. I don't really know. Right now the real decision has to come down (in my opinion) to two fairly simple gambles:

A. Will the world last more than another 10-20 years?
B. Will going to school during the next 3 - 4 years actually make us money?

And the answer to both of those questions seems to be; "go for a semester and find out."

This is how my brain works. I'm sorry to have subjected you to it!

Jenny:

Sorry- I can't tell what you meant with that last line? Sorry to have subjected me to it? SO we are buckling down and getting through school. SO- lets do it then. No more craziness/restlessness. That is the plan- so lets get it done :) It will be hard, but it's definitely do-able. Love you!

Me:

I meant sorry to have subjected you to my crazy brain. I didn't mean any decision has been made, but I do feel like it would be foolish to NOT try at least a semester of school at the U when it is paid for and possibly profitable. Does that mean we will last long enough to finish my degree? I'm not sure, I guess we have to wait and find out.