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I saw this picture today while I was working on our department newsletter and it made me smile. I used to be an avid collector of Calvin and Hobbes books. This picture brings back a lot of good memories, but it also made me think, "Even when we're grown, most guys still do this in the mirror and consider themselves low-grade superheroes."
In my mind, the pronoun "we're" seemed fitting because I've convinced myself that I am not alone in this. The truth is, I'm pushing 30 and better men would have left behind such childish delusions by my age.
Like steps along a stone walkway, that led me to draw the connection to some other personal confessions:
1. Along the lines of the picture above, I still find myself bragging to Jenny about how much weight I lifted even though I know it makes me an incredible tool. Like a kid running to the pencil line on the kitchen entryway 3 times a day to see if he is any taller, I confirm my physical insecurities by getting home from work and saying things like, "I totally dumbbell shoulder-pressed 140 pounds today!" Jenny will smile placatingly and nod.
2. If it is too cold to roll my window down, I will wipe boogers on the floor mat of my car. Your assumptions surrounding that statement are probably true. And, yes, given the opportunity to flick, I DO try to hit other cars. Disgusting, I know.
3. Sometimes having daughters terrifies me so much that I want to sit them down and beg them to not say mean things to me when they get older. I am almost tempted to start a pony fund for each of them so that I have a sizable bribe to prevent them from making me cry. It seems like teenage girls have had the capacity to hurt my feelings since I was about 13.
4. I hate tucking in my shirt so much that I will usually wear a jacket at my desk. That is fine because I prefer being too warm over too tucked. Like a pantless news anchor, this policy works as long as I stay sitting down. I took my jacket off today and, after my workout, was too lazy to put it on or tuck my shirt in. So, I made my protein shake with the cold leftover coffee on my desk.
5. I really liked the movie Never Back Down. It is a predictable tweener movie with cardboard characters and eye-candy for girls, but I can't help but like it. It's like what Fight Club would have been if Stephenie Meyer had written it.
6. Sometimes I feel a sting of rejection if my wife doesn't "Like" my facebook status.
7. Speaking of facebook, John Armstrong posted a link to an Annoying Couple music video and, well, it made we worry that Jenny and I fit too many of those qualities. I also just watched the latest episode of How I Met Your Mother where Marshal and Lilly are shocked by how disgusted everyone is when they learn that the couple shares a toothbrush. Jenny and I totally share a toothbrush. I mean, we own two, but we just reach for whichever one is closest.
8. A few weeks ago Jenny threw away my old holey sneakers. I dug them out of the trash and hid them in the trunk of my car. They were the shoes I found in Moab... sitting on top of a dumpster. I now own shoes that have been retrieved from the trash on two separate occasions. Given the chance, I know I'll do it a third time.
9. I try to consider myself something of a writer, but I am so ignorant when it comes to grammar and the structure of our language that I had to google my use of "pronoun" in the second paragraph of this post. Still not sure if I used it right. In fact, when spellcheck doesn't recognize my word, it makes me feel like a badass, like I somehow invented a word.
10. Sometimes I crave an adrenaline rush so much that I will keep myself from peeing until the end of my shift. I will hold it for up to an hour just so I can pee in the parking garage, even though the bathroom is only 20 feet from my desk. I know it's stupid and petty and illegal and could get me fired, but--much like the urge to urinate--the urge to rebel seems to build over time. If I don't have to pee I will longboard through the parking garage instead.
Ah. That was surprising liberating - writing the post, not peeing. Though, I am tempted to remove the word "Public" from the title of this post since only 4 people read this blog.
P.S. - 11. When I first wrote the title, I misspelled it to read "10 Embarrassing Pubic Confessions" which would probably have suited #10 pretty well, especially if I'm caught in the act.
In my mind, the pronoun "we're" seemed fitting because I've convinced myself that I am not alone in this. The truth is, I'm pushing 30 and better men would have left behind such childish delusions by my age.
Like steps along a stone walkway, that led me to draw the connection to some other personal confessions:
1. Along the lines of the picture above, I still find myself bragging to Jenny about how much weight I lifted even though I know it makes me an incredible tool. Like a kid running to the pencil line on the kitchen entryway 3 times a day to see if he is any taller, I confirm my physical insecurities by getting home from work and saying things like, "I totally dumbbell shoulder-pressed 140 pounds today!" Jenny will smile placatingly and nod.
2. If it is too cold to roll my window down, I will wipe boogers on the floor mat of my car. Your assumptions surrounding that statement are probably true. And, yes, given the opportunity to flick, I DO try to hit other cars. Disgusting, I know.
3. Sometimes having daughters terrifies me so much that I want to sit them down and beg them to not say mean things to me when they get older. I am almost tempted to start a pony fund for each of them so that I have a sizable bribe to prevent them from making me cry. It seems like teenage girls have had the capacity to hurt my feelings since I was about 13.
4. I hate tucking in my shirt so much that I will usually wear a jacket at my desk. That is fine because I prefer being too warm over too tucked. Like a pantless news anchor, this policy works as long as I stay sitting down. I took my jacket off today and, after my workout, was too lazy to put it on or tuck my shirt in. So, I made my protein shake with the cold leftover coffee on my desk.
5. I really liked the movie Never Back Down. It is a predictable tweener movie with cardboard characters and eye-candy for girls, but I can't help but like it. It's like what Fight Club would have been if Stephenie Meyer had written it.
6. Sometimes I feel a sting of rejection if my wife doesn't "Like" my facebook status.
7. Speaking of facebook, John Armstrong posted a link to an Annoying Couple music video and, well, it made we worry that Jenny and I fit too many of those qualities. I also just watched the latest episode of How I Met Your Mother where Marshal and Lilly are shocked by how disgusted everyone is when they learn that the couple shares a toothbrush. Jenny and I totally share a toothbrush. I mean, we own two, but we just reach for whichever one is closest.
8. A few weeks ago Jenny threw away my old holey sneakers. I dug them out of the trash and hid them in the trunk of my car. They were the shoes I found in Moab... sitting on top of a dumpster. I now own shoes that have been retrieved from the trash on two separate occasions. Given the chance, I know I'll do it a third time.
9. I try to consider myself something of a writer, but I am so ignorant when it comes to grammar and the structure of our language that I had to google my use of "pronoun" in the second paragraph of this post. Still not sure if I used it right. In fact, when spellcheck doesn't recognize my word, it makes me feel like a badass, like I somehow invented a word.
10. Sometimes I crave an adrenaline rush so much that I will keep myself from peeing until the end of my shift. I will hold it for up to an hour just so I can pee in the parking garage, even though the bathroom is only 20 feet from my desk. I know it's stupid and petty and illegal and could get me fired, but--much like the urge to urinate--the urge to rebel seems to build over time. If I don't have to pee I will longboard through the parking garage instead.
Ah. That was surprising liberating - writing the post, not peeing. Though, I am tempted to remove the word "Public" from the title of this post since only 4 people read this blog.
P.S. - 11. When I first wrote the title, I misspelled it to read "10 Embarrassing Pubic Confessions" which would probably have suited #10 pretty well, especially if I'm caught in the act.
Hahaha! I am laughing :)
ReplyDeleteI didn't know you wiped boogers on your floor mats!! That's kinda gross babe and makes me want to go hose them down!! I wonder if you ever actually hit the cars next to you with the boogers??
I find it hilarious that you were too lazy AFTER working out to stand up!! haha! and in your leftover coffee... yum :/
I always like your facebook status. I don't always see it right away. No worries!
Last, you have always had this strange fascination with peeing in odd places and I wondered why... now I know!! You just need the rush! Love you so much! Even if you fling boogers and pee outside :) Somehow knowing all this makes me love you more???!! I'm a very lucky girl :)
I think you're a great writer personally.. Oh and uhm, the shoes. That's a trademark shoe.. don't let Jenny mess with it:)
ReplyDeleteEeeewwww! Ha ha ha, that used to be my car! Poor thing. Glad to know it is with a good owner who will take care of it. ;)
ReplyDelete